Part 54: The Elder Updates LIII - APRIL FOOLS, MOTHERFUCKERS

APRIL FOOL, MOTHERFUCKERS


Here I am. The Waterfront. The bad part of town. If I can find the Thieves Guild anywhere, it's here.


Hmm. They say the beggars are their eyes and ears. I wonder.


Do you know where I can find the Gray Fox?
He's a fairy tale. The Imperial Watch pretends there is a thief king named the Gray Fox who controls all the thieves in Cyrodiil. Of course it's all just made up to give them an excuse to keep us down.
Pity. Perhaps this LARGE SUM OF GOLD will help pick you up, hmm?



To learn more about the Gray Fox, go to the Garden of Dareloth at midnight.
Here, then?
Look in the Waterfront District of the Imperial City. I can say no more.
Khajiit thanks you.


We're already where we need to be, so let's just twiddle our thumbs a bit.


Also, the Garden of Dareloth? It's just kinda some guy's back yard.


I was told to find the Gray Fox here.
You say a beggar told you to seek me out? Good enough for me, then. The beggars are the eyes and ears of the Gray Fox.


Speaking of which, might I join the Thieves Guild?
Everyone is here. Let's begin. Each of you is seeking membership in the Thieves Guild.





Whoever brings me the diary of Amantius Allectus - without killing him - will be invited into the guild.
Ha! I'll have it before sunrise.
It's somewhere in the Imperial City. The beggars will help you locate it, for a price. I can sell you lockpicks if you need them.





Hmm.


Better idea.
I'd just like to point out Methredhel in the distance running off. You can follow her straight to the diary if you like, which is a nice little option.


Where does Amantius Allectus live?
Oh, anything for you! He lives in the Temple district on the far east side.
Thank you.
Blessings of Mystara upon ye.


Hmm. Looks like Methredhel knows where she's going as well.


I generally prefer asking a beggar, though, for the sake of having a compass marker.



Methredhel's here too, but it's just a simple matter of running over to the desk before her and bingo, got a diary!


No I didn't try to break this quest with Eye of Fear why do you ask


Now to bring this back to Armand.



Where are my manners? I'm Ralsa Norvalo. My husband, Gilen, has requested that I find you and ask if you'd assist him.
With what would I assist him?
Normally, I wouldn't approach a total stranger like this, but Gilen seemed so insistent. Please, forgive my audacity...
Not a problem. Go on.
Thank you. Gilen always tends to exaggerate, but in this case he sounded earnest which worries me a bit...he said to tell you that the matter he needs help with is of the utmost importance to the citizens of the Imperial City.


That's all he told me to say.
I'll see if I can drop by.
Thank you. I'm sure he'll be pleased. I must go now. Good day to you.


Well, that was...intriguing, but I have other business to attend to.


Congratulations! You have returned with the diary. You have earned the right to join the Thieves Guild.

You now owe your loyalty to our guildmaster, the Gray Fox. He has three rules you must follow.
And those are?
First, never steal from another member of the guild.
Honor among thieves, eh?
Second, never kill anyone on the job. This is not the Dark Brotherhood. Animals and monsters can be slain if necessary.
Reasonable.
Third, don't steal from the poor. The peasants and beggars are under the personal protection of the Gray Fox, particularly here on the Waterfront.
Of course. There are far better targets to be had.


So! The Thieves Guild is quite unlike any other in the game. I didn't manage to get a recording of the right bits of the dialog tree, so let me explain.

It's pretty simple. Membership in the Thieves Guild allows you to sell stolen goods to fences, who also happen to be the ONLY way to sell stolen goods. This is also how you unlock quests - for example, one will be available to us once we've sold 50 Septims worth of stolen merchandise to a fence.

Another perk is that if we find ourselves with a bounty on our heads, we can see a Doyen, like Armand, and pay half of the fine to be rid of all that unwanted guard attention. We're not going to be going on any murderous sprees or anything, but it's a good option to have when you need it.


The only fence available to us just now is in Bruma of all places, so let's see what's so important at Seridur's house while we're still in town.


Oh, allow me to introduce myself. I am Seridur.
Pleased to meet you, Seridur.
Likewise. Sorry to send Gilen's wife to get you in that manner, but it seemed safer if we weren't seen on the streets right now.
Oh dear.
If you'll come with me.
Very well, lead on.
Splendid. Watch your step.


I always do.


...into the basement, then.





That's, uh...what do you do, exactly?
We are, for lack of a better word, defenders. We guard this city from an infestation that plagues it. We are vampire hunters.
...beg pardon?


I'm sure you are familiar with these despicable beings. Fedeing on the innocent as if they were cattle. Well, this group was formed to combat them.
Yyyyyyes. Yes, good.
Alas, we are but three old men, not able to match the fighting prowess of the vampire. We lack the strength to defeat them in battle,


Our goal is to root out the vampires that live in our fair city. So far, we've been unsuccessful finding one until now.

It's come to the Order's attention that Temple District resident Roland Jenseric is a vampire, and has already claimed one victim.
Ah.
That's where you come in. We want you to slay this vampire and cleanse the city of his filth before he can feed or kill again.
Hmm...tell me more.


I rushed into the back garden to find Roland struggling with a woman he'd been courting. I tried to intervene, but he was too strong.
Oh my. Then what happened?
He threw his lover to the ground and turned his attention on me. Luckily, I managed to run back into the street and escape his grasp.
And then?
I hid for a while and then returned to the garden. Roland was gone and the woman was dead. She had two puncture marks on the nape of her neck. That's when I realized he was a vampire. The Order needs you to track him and destroy him.
And how would I find him?
I would start by searching his home. He hasn't been there for days, so it should be safe. Return to us here if you have questions. We meet at night.
Right. I'm on it.


I...really don't know what to think. My vampirism has only ever given me strength. I just...feed when I need to. I've never done anything like THAT.


Does hunger really drive vampires to such anger? Or was Roland a bad person?


Either way, Roland must die.


Hang on. His eyes...


Seridur said you're a vampire.
That bastard! Seridur dares accuse me of being a vampire? Me?! Ha! He's the one who is the vampire!


Calm down and explain.
I - I'm sorry. I've been hiding up here in this cabin and I've forgotten my manners. Try and understand. I loved her, I'd never harm her!


When she started taking walks in the garden at night, I became suspicious. I didn't want to lose her. I should have trusted her...oh, Relfina...
What happened that night?
Yes. I must let someone else know. That night, I decided to follow Relfina. I wanted to see where she went on her walks.
A natural instinct.
When she stopped in the garden, and Seridur stepped out of the shadows, my heart sank. Then, suddenly, he was upon her! She seemed entranced as he wrapped his arms around her and sank his teeth into her neck. I burst from my hiding place and attacked Seridur.


I was no equal to Seridur. He knocked me down in one quick movement. As I lost consciousness, I saw him laugh and then run away.

Now I know why he didn't finish me that night. He wanted to cast suspicions on me instead.
Why didn't you tell someone?
I panicked. By the time I awoke, her body was gone. I knew Seridur was a respected member of the community. They'd never believe he was a vampire. I retreated here to the cabin to collect my thoughts.


No. You are innocent.
Thank you. I'm happy you gave me a chance to explain.
So. About Seridur, then.
I know about Seridur and his "secret order". What better way for a vampire to hide than to pretend he hunts them?
Mm. But how to catch him?
You may want to speak to Phintias at the First Edition bookshop in the Market Distrit of the city. I know he goes there occasionally.


This will NOT save him.



It should be said that this quest leaves a pretty bad taste in my mouth. One of the larger problems here is that it doesn't give a fuck if the player happens to be a vampire in one of the rare spots where it absolutely should.



Second is the fact that honestly, Roland and Seridur's stories are pretty much the exact same. It would be perfectly reasonable to suspect either one, but nope, the game pretty much has you latch on to Seridur.



And do you get to do any legwork, investigate shit by talking to people around town? Nooooo. You get told where the dungeon is.


Jesus christ how horrifying.


NPC enemies who are also vampires! Let's not forget that it's a vampire den!


And here's Seridur. Dialog? Haha nope, he's just some prick waiting at the end of the dungeon like it's Diablo or some shit. Time to finally fight him, then!


Well, that was quick.


After clearing out the room and having a rest to recover our health, we grab an Ebony Shortsword off Seridur's corpse. Almost makes up for the whole debacle.


Rip in peace, bad quest.